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A real post this time


Last week I moved upstairs and I am now making Television Commercials! Woooo! Much more creative job that actually puts good use of my skills to play in a work environment. Don't get me wrong, being a news photographer had its good points, but I couldn't keep doing that for years. After one good year of it I was ready to move on. Maybe that has to deal with the fact I haven't had to sit still in a long time. Sure, I worked at Travis AFB for four years, but I was bouncing around the world to work in different situations. Its different now... not bouncing around makes things stale I guess.

Also, I was thinking about the last time I went to LA. I had an odd feeling when we were about to land. At the time I couldn't place my finger on what the feeling was exactly, but I think I've figured it out. I believe it was the feeling of "cheating". Like I honestly felt I shouldn't be going there, but I was... and if someone found out I would get in some kind of trouble. All of which couldn't be farther from the truth... which makes me think. Maybe deep down, I honestly believe I'm a failure when it comes to career... and then subsiquently life - since I had put so much into the aspiration at one point in my life -

All I know is that one day my father told me, while in a half drunk stooper, that the only thing he wished he could have done with his life was be a ranger at a national park or something. This struck a huge number with me. I didn't want to be like that when I was 65. I didn't want to be drunk telling my kid that there was one thing I never did and I'm basically ashamed that I never tried. This event happened long after I put so much energy into the fact I was going to leave home and work in the movie business as whatever - grip, bestboy... hell it didn't matter I would be an assistant. It would have been to get close and work my way up I guess. Optimisim, that was what I needed back then when I set that goal, everything else in my life had become dark, resentful and alone and I needed that kind of huge goal that was filled with optimisim to keep me going. It worked for a long time... and then, the need for all that optimism was suddenly gone, and I was left with this goal that I hadn't attained, but worked towards for close to eight years... and the meaning behind it was lost. About six months after coming to terms with that I wasn't finding work in OC, and school bills were only going to get worse, and my savings was dissappearing. I packed up and returned to Wisconsin. Got a house, a dog, a nice job... There isn't anything wrong with what I did or am doing... yet, somewhere deep inside that one goal was burned into me I guess. Apparently my subconscious wont let it go.

California is my home away from home. I love driving the highways out there. I love the ocean. The places.

grass is always greener though. I remember the things I didn't like about California too...

and I've got to go out in the hot humid weather today to shoot video... and I wore pants. I'm stupid.


Joe Black

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