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I fear

I'm scared that my mental state is going to decline rapidly in the next few months.

I'm stressing out constantly with rumors and hear-say of what is going to happen.

am I going to deploy?
am I going to be able to finish this semester?
will our job be let off of stop-loss?
will I be able to get a stop-loss waiver?

what is going to happen with my life?
--because its not in my hands. Its in the military's.

I don't have control, and its slowly tearing my ability to stay calm and not freak out.
every day that goes by, I'm closer to my date of separation.... a date that I might not separate.
I'm hanging on threads.... threads that I can't tell if they are holding out, or are almost ready to snap.

Everyday I go through at least one moment where I am convinced I'm not going to be able to separate, and I feel sick. I think that I could have just as well gone to the University of Wisconsin Steven's Point for film. Right out of High School... no problem, I had a 3.3 GPA in High School... it wasn't that I wasn't smart, or didn't have the means to make money to pay for college.... I had to have more.... I had to do something no one else would dare do, because the risks out-weighed the possibilities. Now the risks may come crumbling down on top of me, smothering me.

I hate not knowing.

at least when I go to work, my supervisor doesn't make it worse for me.

i'm afraid i'm doing everything in vain....


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 5th, 2002 06:11 am (UTC)
take it easy killer....
Welcome to my world, only mine was a few months ago. Just roll with it... that's all we can do.

Feb. 5th, 2002 06:13 pm (UTC)
Re: take it easy killer....

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


Joe Black

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