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Inspired by scintilla's entry....part 2

It scared me, and it made me feel wanted at the same time. I wanted to pull away in disgust and be loved by my peers at the same time. They were brainwashing me and being nice to me all the same. Confusion set in and I didn't know what to do.

When the doors to the mall opened and the unnecessary puff of air ruffled my hair I gave in. I was their friend out on the town shopping and looking for guys. I smiled and pointed out guys that were cute. They gasped and hung on me agreeing with me. I felt warm and good inside. There was more to these girls than the giggling stupidity I saw constantly behind school walls.

I was looking through clothes. Finding risque underwear. Laughing and being silly with the girls like it was common. I even purchase some clothes that I could afford with the help of the other girls. I was in awe of their generosity.

Laura ran up to me in the Gap with a cute little shirt, "What do you think?" She pressed it up against her and posed all silly. I thought it looked good.

"It looks great!" I said, smiling widely.

"Really?" Laura asked looking at herself with it pressed against her. "Think I should try it on?"

"Of course." I laughed.

Just as Laura turned to go try on the shirt she saw Brian Cunningham. Quickly she bounced up and down waving to him, "Brian! Over here!"

Brian walked over, "Hey what's going on Laura?"

"Oh just hanging out with the girls before the movie." Laura leaned against a clothing rack. She obviously was interested in Brian. She tried to be flattery for him.

Brian looked over Laura's shoulder, "Hey is that Kassie?"

"Huh?" Laura asked and turned around, "I guess so. Hey Kassie!"

I stood still. My warmth inside corroded away into a ice cold brick. "Hi." I answered quietly before they continued talking to each other. After all of the girly bonding I get tossed aside at the possibility of a guy. I was disgusted again.

I managed to smile and nod my way through the rest of the night. I couldn't help but discover the inner truth to each of the girls. My conclusion was this:

Laura: Horny, and will walk over anyone to get a guy.

Hannah: Lovely and discreet until she finds beer and gets toasted.

Sandy: Even hornier than Laura. Basically, your high class slut.

Oh the list goes on, but why destroy everyone in my own mind. I got tired of it. I didn't really want to know all this trash on them. Plus, the possibility might arise that they will do the same to me. So I quit.

Braveheart was utterly amazing. I cried almost through the whole thing. The other girls did too. Now that it was just the girls again that bonding feeling returned, but I knew it was a facade that they had. There was something behind them acting so nice. Something, but I couldn't tell what.

During the movie I could noticed so many small details about life. Stories told in facial features. Songs played in the background. The hair on my arms stood upright with electricity. Somehow throughout the day I had opened myself up to an awareness of the world around me. I felt the theater and the people inside it. It was amazing how fulfilled I felt. With that I cried even more at the sad moments of the movie.

I returned home around ten at night. Told my mother a generic version of how the movie was. Told her I purchased some clothes. Had a pretty good time and such. The usual a teenager tells their parent when they return home from being with friends.

I walked upstairs into my room. I saw the candle sitting on the night stand. The wax had dried and made a complex looking solid puddle. I took a screwdriver and pried it out of the small container so I could replace it with a new one. The inside of the crystal candle holder was black from the flames of the last candle. Inside the drawer of the night stand was a case of small candles that fit into the candle holder. I placed a new on inside the holder and lit it.

Turning off the lights to my bedroom the candle flickered soothingly. I felt different. I took more notice of everything around me. The smell of the candle. The melted look to the old window. Even the contour of the floor after taking my boots and socks off. It all was there for me to feel. I guess that in my near-death experience I had gained a new attunement to the world around me. I undressed and found my pajamas. They were in the wash yesterday so I had to wear my button up shirt to bed. Now I had my Garfield pj's.

I walked to the stairs and called down to my mother, "Good night."

"Good night Kassie." She called back.

I crawled into bed and almost instantly fell asleep. It rained that night. A gentle patter against the window. The tree gently swaying in the distance provided the melody over the percussive rain. I had wonderful dreams. I was soaring in the clouds. That was the only time I ever had that dream, and I hold that night very close to me.

The day was an emotional roller coaster. It changed me forever. I have never been the same. I had been opened to the world and a closer meaning of my own existence. It was a great and mysterious feeling. Forever I shall remember that day, my Doomed Tuesday

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Joe Black

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